By: Spooks
~ ~ ~ ~
Duo stepped out of the light and into the shadows, the fog moving away from him as though pushed. His eyes adjusted quickly to the relative darkness.
He was used to such environments.
Duo sat down beside Heero on the cold concrete.
Now he could see Heero’s tired face. He didn’t appear to be angry.
“Why’d you run? I’ve never seen you run from anything before,” Duo finally said after an awkward moment of silence. “Just curious.”
“I don’t know,” came the quiet reply. Heero wouldn’t look at him.
Duo’s voice was sarcastic. “That’s not very helpful.”
“I don’t care,” he paused, his tone suddenly flooded with bitterness. “I can’t care. I’m not supposed to.”
“I get the impression we’re talking on several levels at once here,” Duo muttered, leaning back against the cold brick wall. “I didn’t mean to piss you off, back in the dorm room.”
Heero’s head swiveled. Shocked blue surrounded by shadows and fog fixed on Duo. “You didn’t.”
“But...I thought...” Duo looked down and watched, detached, as his fingers curled into helpless fists.
“Sometimes I get confused,” Heero said suddenly. He swallowed. “How’d you find me?”
“I followed you before the door even stopped swinging,” Duo replied, letting a tiny grin find its way onto his face. “I was going to let you know that I was following you earlier, but then you ran away again.”
“I thought you’d just sit there...maybe open the window...” Heero’s voice was faint at first, but then he cleared his throat and continued in a stronger tone. “Why didn’t you say something while we were running, then?”
Duo unclenched his fingers. “I don’t know. It didn’t really occur to me. Maybe I didn’t want you to yell at me to ‘get lost’ or something. I just wanted to make sure you were okay, I guess. I...I don’t know.”
“Thanks,” Heero replied. He turned his head away, and looked out at the gray confusion swirling in the night air. “I didn’t know who was following me, or even if anyone was actually there.”
“Were you scared?” Duo blurted, before he had thought about what he was asking.
He was surprised when Heero answered. “Yes,” His voice retreated to a flat monotone, “Irrationally so. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I suppose that denying it would be rather stupid.”
“So that’s why you ran?” Duo asked again, turning his body so that he faced Heero.
“Maybe. I’m not sure,” Heero admitted. He shifted his gaze from the fog to the ground. “Why’d you follow me?”
Duo laughed softly. “To see why you had run. Our conversation seems to have looped around in a circle,” he paused, “I didn’t think you wanted me around, though. Usually when two people are arguing and one person leaves, that person either wants to be left the hell alone...or they want to be followed. I wasn’t sure if I had picked the right option.”
“But we weren’t arguing, were we?” Heero rubbed up and down the length of his arms. The sweat on them was starting to chill, and with the combination of the already cold temperature and the lack of warmth his tank top provided, he felt like he was turning into a lump of ice.
“No, we weren’t,” Duo agreed. “Uh, do you want my over shirt? I’m wearing two, you can have the black one.”
“That’s okay, I’m fine,” Heero shook his head.
“Are you really?”
Heero smirked. “Maybe.”
“So why’d you run?” Duo poked him in the side.
“If you stopped asking, maybe you’d find out,” Heero returned, his smirk fading even as his eyes sharpened. “Why do you ask so many questions?”
“Because I want to know answers,” Duo replied with a slightly acidic laugh.
“And why do you want to know answers?” Heero pressed. He fidgeted, then shifted in place until his body was turned sideways.
Instead of facing the fog, they were now both turned towards each other.
“Because...because I...” Duo broke eye contact and fiddled with the outer seam of his pants. “I’m curious about you. You’re so closed up.”
“And why are you curious?” Heero leaned forward, his expression suddenly intense.
Duo continued to look down.
Heero sighed, and leaned back. “Well? I tried to answer your questions. Now it’s your turn.”
“I know,” Duo brought his gaze up, his face occupied in holding a complete lack of expression. He took a deep breath and let it out in a huff before continuing. “I’m curious because I fucking care, okay? You’re my friend, and I want to help you out, but you keep pushing me away. If you want me to leave you the hell alone, just say so.”
He moved as though about to stand up. Heero grabbed his arm and jerked him back down.
“I ran because I care, too.”
Duo’s jaw dropped, his mouth open in shock. “Huh?”
“You heard me. Don’t make me repeat myself,” Heero bit out, his tone turning harsh. “You push and you push and I’m not used to anyone doing that...and because of that I end up hurting people that try.”
‘I’ll end up hurting you.’
The unspoken words echoed against the fog.
“So why don’t you try, then? To make contact, I mean. Don’t you get lonely?” Duo’s voice was curious, but something else edged its tone.
Heero’s shoulders slumped. “Of course. But I don’t know how, and even if I did, I wouldn’t want to. Despite our occupation, Duo, I don’t like hurting people.”
Duo’s eyes widened. He snorted. “What, and you think I do?”
“I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it,” Heero returned sourly.
“No, I really didn’t,” Duo paused, his voice thick. He turned his head and stared out into the fog. It had been starting to evaporate, but now it seemed to be rolling back in heavy waves. Thicker than ever, the gray flood of pained confusion encroached upon them.
A whisper. “Did you know, Heero, that everyone I have ever loved is dead?”
Heero clenched his jaw. “No, Duo. I did not know that.”
“Then let me tell you something,” Duo closed his eyes and kept his head turned away. “It is much better to value the friends and the people you have now, while you still can have them. Because one day they’re going to be stone dead, and then, if you didn’t take your chances and make the most of your time together, all you’ll be left with is regret.”
He opened his eyes and turned to look at Heero. Intensity.
“Trust me on this one, Heero, regret is worse that anything. It’s even worse than guilt. It means that you were a coward. A coward. It stays with you for the rest of your life,” he leaned forward, warm breath turning to steam in the cold night. “That’s why I push. I don’t want to regret.”
“No one wants to regret,” Heero said quietly. He squared his shoulders. “You said yourself that everyone you’ve ever loved is dead. Well, guess what? I’ve never loved anyone. Ever. And no one’s ever loved me. Ever. I’ve never had the opportunity to regret. All my life has been training. The mission.”
A long pause.
“That might be one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard,” Duo whispered. “But it’s no reason why you can’t start making an effort now. It’s never too late to try.”
Heero’s eyebrows shot up.
“Oh, hell, you’ve got to walk before you can run, Heero,” he paused. “You’ve got to let someone in first.”
“And you want that ‘someone’ to be you. Am I right?” Heero forced himself to ask.
“You’ve got to give me some credit here, I am going to an awful lot of trouble,” Duo smiled, his mouth too tight for the expression to be completely genuine. “But no, not necessarily me. Just someone. Pick your ‘someone’ wisely, though, because a lot of people will stomp on your heart, whether they mean to or not.”
The silence seemed alive, thickening purposefully between them. Tension. They focused solely on each other.
Heero cleared his throat. “It’s cold out here.”
Duo blinked. “Yeah.”
“Maybe we should go inside?”
“Maybe.”
Heero stood up, ignoring the little aches that accompanied the movement. The sweat had dried cold on his bare arms and lower legs, and his clothing was still slightly damp. He looked down at Duo and held out a hand.
Wordlessly, Duo took the offering. A moment later, they were both standing.
For a few seconds they only stared at each other, their hands still joined as if they had just shaken. It felt as though in they had made an agreement, a pact, or...as though they had greeted one another.
The fog had dissipated.
Together, they turned and walked into a clear, starry night.
~ ~ ~ ~
A note: This fic is dedicated to Sharon, for being cool and wonderful. Visit her site
Feedback appreciated.