Subtitled: Big Ed
By: Spooks
~ ~ ~ ~
"CUPID! GET YOUR SCRAWNY ASS OUT OF BED AND GET UP HERE!"
Cupid, the little Cherubim o' Love was so surprised he rolled right off of his feathered bed and landed on his feathered left wing. Rubbing his eyes sleepily, the Angel of Amore dashed around his cloud finding his work clothes and his tools of the trade, as well as a donut.
A few flurried seconds later found Cupid winging his way up to have a talk with Big Ed. As he flitted quickly around random muses and angels, Cupid wondered what the hell crawled up The Big Dude's ass and died. Usually He wasn't so cranky. Of course, God was never a morning person.
Cupid curled his wings and stopped evenly in midair, landing lightly before the shining golden throne. On the throne, surrounded by a blindingly brilliant light, sat the Creator. The light The Big Guy was giving off was so bright that Cupid had to take out his brand new shades and put them on. Ah, that was better.
"Cupid," God sounded pissed. This was not a good sign. "Do you know what day is next week?"
"Um…" Cupid stalled for time, staring down at his sandals. The brown leather contrasted nicely with the white puffy cloud floor. "Um….no?"
"It's the day that you should have been up preparing for instead of laying in bed like a lazy ass! It's the day that greeting card companies everywhere rejoice and laud! It's your cardinal holiday, Cupid!" Big Ed ranted, light spewing off his head in anger. Cupid squinted behind his sunglasses. Damn, that was bright.
"Oh," Cupid answered sheepishly. "V-day. I knew that. I was just…uh…working on these brand new super-duper-love-arrows-of-doom last night. Yeah. That's why I was sleeping in." The cherub twiddled his thumbs and rocked back and forth on his heels nervously. "Really."
"Cupid, I know everything, okay? I'm God, for Christ's sake! I know you're lying. You forgot the big day was coming, didn't you?" God rolled his eyes.
"Uh, well, yeah. But I really was working on those arrows last night," Cupid returned quickly.
"Well, good, because I have a special assignment for you…"
Oh, that didn't sound good. The Big G's "Special Assignments" were usually sadistically impossible to accomplish.
"I want you to make a certain group of people happy and in love, you know, set them up. And I mean every one of them, even that anal-retentive kid! So far you've been totally screwing up when you try to hook these people up with each other to get some hot lovin' down by the fire," God grinned, teeth flashing a blinding sunny white.
"Now some of these are already occupied with each other, you just need to make the rest of them happy, get them talking. Take a good look at your targets, and don't be afraid to be…creative," Big Ed waved his brilliance in the direction of a nearby innocently bystanding cloud. Said cloud sighed and broke apart, shaping itself into some very familiar figures.
Cupid groaned and nodded, accepting the assignment. The group of people consisted of some of his most difficult charges. So far they had all ignored his past interference and had some how managed not to pick up on the most obvious signs he had thrown at them. They were dense as frickin' bricks. Cupid saluted, turned his wings, and headed back to his little cloud.
Fine then, he was going to have fun with this assignment. Screw beating around the bush, Cupid was going to have fun with these dense dumbasses. Society's conventions could take a flying leap into Angst's Lake of Tears for all Cupid cared. He was going to use his Brand New Super Duper Love Arrows O' Doom. And maybe he'd use his other special arrows…like The Horny Teenage Lust Arrow O' Doom. He just decided to pack a good mix of arrows in his quill. As an afterthought he picked up a fifth of Jack Daniel's and bottle of Bacardi.
It never hurt to be prepared.
~ ~ ~ ~
Down on Earth, three of everybody's favorite Gundam pilots, namely, Duo, Wufei, and Heero, were hanging around their current safe house, each trying in their own way to deal with the upcoming painful and annoying holiday. So as a joint effort they were engaged in a convoluted impromptu and unspoken game of cat and mouse. Heero was avoiding everyone, and Duo was trying to convince Wufei to help him get Heero in bed. Quatre and Trowa were currently grocery shopping and trying not to be totally obvious to each other. The pair still hadn't admitted they liked each other, much to the amusement of their fellow pilots.
Heero was hiding, er, I mean, holed up in his and Duo's room with his laptop, working diligently to cover his tracks so Relena wouldn't find him in time for the dreaded day. The last thing Heero wanted was the Queen of Pink sending him a singing telegram, or worse, showing up and trying to kiss him or something equally deplorable and frightening. Heero shuddered and started typing more frantically. Relena cooties. Ewww.
Meanwhile, Duo was standing outside the door, listening to Heero type and trying to think of some way to get in the room, get a couple of manga, and escape without the spandex wonder noticing. It wasn't that Duo was trying to avoid Heero…well, okay, yes he was. Valentine's Day was just a few days away, and Duo was feeling very out of sorts, and it was all Heero's fault. He wasn't sure, but he had noticed that he was becoming more and more distracted by thoughts of the Perfect Soldier and his Perfect Ass. And thus, Duo wanted to rectify the situation as soon as possible. V-day would be a good excuse.
The whole strange urge confused the American, because, hell, it wasn't like he was an experienced guy, but he had never been attracted to another guy before he had hooked up with Wufei. And now he was thinking about adding on his best friend? A threesome, for Ed's sakes? The idea was totally foreign to him. Of course, Wufei thought this was hilarious, even though it was intriguing to the Chinese boy. Wufei had refused to help, figuring that Heero would respond better to just Duo's advances. But then, Duo was too nervous at the moment to make any advances. It was a sticky situation.
Duo stood in the hallway, lost in his thoughts as he rocked back and forth on his heels and stared at the closed door. He was jolted out of his reverie by a cold hand on the back of his neck.
"ACK!" Duo jumped forward in shock, nose colliding painfully with the closed door in front of him. He slumped to the floor, carefully holding his injured nose and glaring daggers at his sinister cold-handed attacker.
Wufei stood in the center of the hallway, holding his stomach and laughing so hard that tears were leaking out the corners of his dark eyes. The Chinese pilot was doubled over and holding his stomach as he convulsed in quiet laughter, gasping and trying to get enough breath to speak. Finally he managed to get control of himself enough to squeak out, "Duo, are you okay?" He stopped speaking to let loose another breathless gale of laughter. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you that badly." He managed to stand up and keep his face straight for a moment, helping Duo to his feet. Wufei then snorted gracelessly and broke into a fit of giggles.
"I'm so glad you're concerned with my well being, you ass!" Duo exclaimed, laughing along with Wufei and pushing him lightly as they walked away from the room in the direction of the kitchen. "Why the hell are your hands that cold, anyway?"
Wufei shrugged, "I don't know, I guess I'm not used to this cold weather. The rest of me is just fine, it's just my hands that are freezing." The Chinese boy peeked slyly over at his braided companion. "So, have you jumped Yuy yet?"
Duo skidded to a stop in the middle of the hallway, his bright eyes wide and his mouth hanging open. He blinked at Wufei a few times before pouncing forward and smacking his palm over the other pilot's mouth. "Will you watch where you say that!" Duo hissed, dragging Wufei the rest of the way into the kitchen. "He's just in the other room!"
Wufei snickered. "I know, why do you think I said it. You need to get off your lazy butt and do something about it instead of mooning around and staring at the back of his head. It's damn annoying."
"Sccccaaa-rrrrrrooooow you, Wu!" [ahem…translated: screw you.]
Wufei raised a single eyebrow and sniffed haughtily, trying to stop a blush from coloring his face. "Sorry, Maxwell, I'm not in the mood."
Duo laughed. "Since when are you not in the mood, my little Wu-baby?"
Wufei rolled his eyes in response, and cheeks turned light crimson. He opened the fridge while he responded, "I am not your little Wu-baby! Please refrain from calling me that. I have a reputation to maintain. And besides, how would you get Yuy in the sack then? He might get freaked out by both of us."
Duo waltzed over and stood behind the Chinese boy, leaning into his back and peering over his shoulder at the contents of the fridge. "Well look, I don't just want to get him in the sack and you know it. I told you I wanted your help on this whole thing, but noooo, you're going to be stubborn about it. I think if we double-teamed him this whole thing would be much, much more fun. Not to mention less nerve wracking. And then he wouldn't think it was just for the sex. You said you liked him, too, and wanted him in. You know how weird he is about anything relationshippy, even something innocent. I don’t want to freak him out, ya know?" Duo paused, worrying his lower lip. "Damn, I wish Quatre and Trowa would get back from the grocery store already. I'm starved!"
"Wow, never would have thought that Duo Maxwell would be hungry," Wufei deadpanned, closing the fridge and leaning back into the braided pilot's light embrace. "Do you really think it would be better if I helped? We don't even know if Yuy has a sexual preference, never mind if it would include two other guys."
Duo snickered. "Well, there's only one way to find out. Valentine's Day is in a couple days ya know. We could surprise him, cover him with chocolate, and have our hentai way with him. Nummy."
Wufei sweatdropped as he blushed. "That does sound tempting…well, okay. I'll help."
Duo glomped onto Wufei's arm in delight. "Yay! I knew you'd see it my way!" He proceeded to show Wufei his happiness in the form of a very passionate, very sloppy kiss.
"I just hope he doesn't kill us for trying," Wufei said while his mouth was momentarily unoccupied. Duo giggled before pouncing him again.
~ ~ ~ ~
Meanwhile, Cupid was floating above the fridge, blushing at the sight before him. Wow, this was odd. He must have really been neglecting his job lately. Two of his charges had hooked up while he wasn't looking, and damn! They really had practiced the fine game of tonsil hockey, hadn't they? Cupid snickered and flapped through the wall to peek in at the boy they wanted to coerce into their little group. He could go along with this.
Cupid laughed when he saw the dark haired boy standing by the door, one widened blue eye peeking through the slightly cracked open door. By the look on the boy's face, he had heard and seen everything said and done by the couple in the kitchen.
Laughing maniacally, but silently in just that way that only invisible Angels of Adulation could, Cupid winged his way to check on his other patrons. A plan was incubating in his head. A plan involving a party, all his little charges, liberal doses of alcohol, and plenty of those special arrows he had hidden away.
This was going to be fun.
~ ~ ~ ~
Across the street, five figures were obviously peeking out between the slats of window blinds and into the windows of the house directly across from theirs. One of the figures was holding a pair of binoculars, while another was wearing huge headphones and was holding up a huge hand held directional listening dish.
The figures were not pleased as they watched two of their targets…er…neighbors make out in plain view of the entire neighborhood via the kitchen window. And they were especially not pleased when two of the other…neighbors…arrived. The blond one had dropped something from his bag and the other one had handed it to him, but not before their hands brushed suggestively and both parties blushed profusely.
Two of the figures were very upset by this turn of events.
"Wow, I wonder what the neighbors think of them?" One voice whispered.
"Who cares? God, why did I agree to come with you four on this weird little trip? Shouldn't we respect their privacy?" An older sounding voice whispered back.
"Oh shush. You just like watching bishounen make out. I would too, but I don't want my little brother to be one of them!" Another woman hissed.
"Shut up! I can't concentrate on figuring out what Heero's typing if you don't give me silence!" A shrill voice stated.
"Do what she says!" A firm feminine voice backed the other one up.
Cupid fluttered silently above their heads, giggling madly. This was going to be soooo fun! He had to invite these girls to the party, too. They weren't on Big Ed's list, but he had to stop them from interfering with his plans. And if he could do something interesting with their love lives while he was at it…the little cherub rubbed his hands together briskly. Nothing like adversity… Time to start the preparations. He had some phone calls to make.
~ ~ ~ ~
The next day, Friday, February 13, the Gundam pilots were standing nervously outside of an ancient looking, very secluded mansion. They had received orders to be here from the scientists, and be prepared to, quote, "Interact in a Social Training Mission." Whatever that meant. It sounded mildly intimidating (although they'd never admit it) to the three socially inept pilots, and quite interesting to the two more outgoing boys.
After standing there for a few minutes as a nervous group, Duo finally decided enough was enough and knocked loudly on the wooden door. Whatever this mission was supposed to be about, he had plans with Wufei to try and get Heero in the sack on Valentine's night, or well, ask him if he'd consider boinking an American guy and a Chinese guy sometime in the future. Whatever worked. All that planning he and Wufei had done wasn't going to go to waste just because of this weird mission. Hell, maybe they could carry through with it anyway if the mission wasn't too demanding.
Quatre had similar thoughts running through his mind as he tried to peek in the curtained windows beside the door. As he pretending to look through the window, he noticed in the reflective surface of the glass that a certain emerald-eyed boy had been subtly watching his movements. Trowa and Quatre had been metaphorically (not literally, mind you, that would be silly!) dancing around each other the past couple weeks. Before that certain evil holiday had been mentioned they had gotten along so well, letting things naturally and slowly progress, but the closer Valentine's Day got, the more awkward they became. Quatre knew the reason for his share of the unease, he wanted more from their slowly morphing friendship. Namely some physical contact. In other words, Quatre was getting slightly horny for his best friend. The blond boy just wasn't sure if Trowa felt the same way or if he was completely misreading him. The poor Arabian just didn't know what to do.
Quatre would have asked Duo or Wufei for advice if they weren't so wrapped up in their very blatant planning to try and Power Fuck a certain spandex-wearing self-destructive blue eyed soldier. Those two were so damned obvious about their planning that the Arabian pilot wondered just how oblivious Heero was. You'd think a "Perfect Soldier" would be just a tad more observant. It was downright funny.
After a few minutes of waiting for an answer, Duo stepped forward and rapped on the door again. Suddenly, the door swung open, seemingly of its own accord. Completely unperturbed by this, the American bounded exuberantly into the house, yanking Wufei after him with one arm and Heero with the other.
"Duo, let go!" Heero growled in response to this manhandling, trying to yank his arm out of Duo's grip.
"Aw, lighten up, I'm just excited!" Duo grinned in response, refusing to let go.
Wufei merely rolled his eyes and looked around, noticing the strange empty feeling that filled the house. Still outside on the porch, Trowa silently gestured for Quatre to enter first. The two stepped into the house, barely inside before the heavy door slammed behind them with a very loud thud. All five pilots jumped slightly in surprise.
"Well, that was unexpected," Wufei stated matter-of-factly.
"Now what?" Quatre wondered, looking around the well-furnished but seemingly vacant house.
Duo wandered forward, looking around. "Hey, there's an arrow…blech, a pink arrow, on the wall. Oh, wait, it says something underneath it!" The American pilot leaned forward for a closer look. "It says, 'Welcome, guests, please follow me to your rooms.' What, the arrow?" Duo wondered, looking around.
Suddenly a light puff of smoke emitted from the arrow on the sign and floated to in the middle of the hallway. The light, pinkish smoke formed into the shape of a little arrow with wings, pointing down the hallway. After flying around the assembled group a few times, it started moving slowly down the hallway, taking a right turn at the end of the long vestibule.
"Uh, okay then," Duo said. "I guess we follow it, huh?" The puzzled pilots took tentative steps forward.
The arrow zipped back around the corner and came to a skidding mid-air halt in front of them. Suddenly the arrow dissipated again into a cloud of smoke, reforming into what looked like words…the pilots squinted, trying to anticipate what the little thing was going to form...
MOVE IT, DUMBASSES! I DON'T HAVE ALL DAMN DAY!
Well, it looked like the cloud of smoke wasn't happy with their progress.
"Oh, how polite," Quatre said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. This was waaaay too strange.
SHUT UP PANSY.
Quatre's eyes widened and his ears slowly started turning red. "Hey! That's--"
"Aren't you supposed to lead us somewhere?" Heero broke in before Quatre could say anything else to the puff of smoke.
YES, THANK YOU, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.
"Your welcome," The Japanese pilot deadpanned, glaring at the little pink cloud and earning an appreciative giggle from Duo.
NOW, LET'S GO. YOU SLOW ASS DIPSHITS.
JUST KIDDING.
^_^
The cloud formed a cheerful little smiley face before turning back into the winged arrow.
"Oh, now it's joking with us," Duo muttered under his breath to Wufei as they followed the little pink floating arrow.
"Yes, I do believe the little pink cloud is schizophrenic," Wufei answered seriously.
I HEARD THAT.
"Good."
~ ~ ~ ~
Eventually the boys stopped arguing with the little pink smoke arrow and they arrived at their designated rooms. By now their suspicions about this mission had multiplied tenfold, and all were wondering just what the hell the scientists wanted them to do here. Standing in the hallway outside their doors, they all looked expectantly at the little pink cloud.
OKAY, WUFEI, DUO, AND HEERO ARE IN HERE.
The cloud formed a big hand and pointed at one door.
AND TROWA AND QUATRE ARE IN HERE.
The cloud formed a big foot and lightly kicked the door across from the other one, its pink cloud toe dissipating as it connected with the smooth mahogany.
OH, AND THE SCIENTISTS SAID TO HAVE FUN. THAT IS THE MISSION.
"How did you know about that?" Heero growled at the little cloud. It made a little happy face at him before forming more letters.
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, YOU ANAL RETENTIVE SPANDEX FREAK.
Silence filled the hallway as the other four pilots made truly valiant attempts not to laugh. Of course, this didn't last long, as soon as Duo and Quatre started laughing, Trowa and Wufei couldn't contain their quiet laughter. Heero fumed for a second before rolling his eyes and glaring at the devious little pink cloud.
"Any more instructions?" He asked over the quieting laughter of his comrades.
YOU'LL FIND MORE INFORMATION ON YOUR ACTIVITIES FOR THIS EVENING IN YOUR ROOMS. FOLLOW ALL INSTRUCTIONS TO THE LETTER.
"Yes, Sir, Mr. Pink Cloud Guy, Sir!" Duo mock saluted, then opened the door to his shared room.
CALL ME ORES. GO ON NOW.
The cloud reformed into a little waving hand.
"Oh, uh, sorry," Duo turned and entered his room, followed closely by Wufei and Heero. Trowa and Quatre entered the room across the hall.
Left to its own devices, the little pink cloud popped out of sight and popped back again as a very excited looking Cupid. The little cherub rubbed his hands together gleefully.
"Now, to greet the other guests," He said, flitting down the hallway, cackling madly. Fun, fun, fun. Dinner tonight was going to be great. But first…where did he leave that liquor?
~ ~ ~ ~
Finding themselves left alone finally, Duo, Wufei, and Heero surveyed their living quarters. Much to Duo and Wufei's delight and chagrin, there were only two beds in the room. One was large and the other was a single. Well, if the scientists wanted them to have fun…evidently the pair weren't as discrete as they thought. Must have been the cyber sex in their Gundams' communications that tipped them off.
Heero, for his part, looked around nervously. It seemed events were conspiring to embarrass the hell out of him. Oh yes, the Perfect Soldier had seen and heard his two roommates' conversation and, er, other activities the day before. He knew perfectly well what they were planning. Problem was that Heero wasn't sure what to make of it all. Despite possessing the knowledge of one hundred and twenty five ways to kill a man with his pinky, Heero Yuy knew absolutely nothing about sexual relations. In fact, to be perfectly honest, the whole idea kind of freaked him out and made him feel extremely nervous.
Absolute truth be told, though, Heero was curious, too. How could sticking your tongue in someone's mouth be fun? It sounded like it would be hard to breathe with that obstruction. And what about bad breath? Of course, these misgivings didn't stop the Japanese boy from polishing the one-eyed gopher every chance he got. He was a teenage boy after all. Jacking off was fun.
Heero sighed and dropped his small bag onto the single bed. Stealing a furtive glance over at the couple across the room, he resigned himself to prepare for the inevitable. Until they made their move, however, Heero had decided to pretend to be oblivious and make them sweat just a little. Might as well have some sadistic fun with this.
Duo, meanwhile, had set down his black duffel bag and ventured into the bathroom just to look around. He came back a moment later holding a little pink card with red writing on it, a strange look on his face.
"What?" Wufei asked curiously, stepping forward and taking the card from the American.
Duo handed the card over, "Says we are to clean up, pfft, as if we're dirty or something, dress in the clothes provided, and be downstairs in the main hall by seven for dinner to meet the other guests. Until then we are not to leave the room, not even to visit Quatre and Trowa across the hall. Oh, and it says not even to bother trying because we're locked in our room until five minutes till seven."
Wufei glared at the monstrous pinkness of the card in his hand before handing it over to Heero for inspection. "Well, it's only one o'clock now, what are we supposed to do for the next six hours?"
Duo grinned nastily at Wufei, then glanced at the large bed where they had laid their stuff. Wufei frantically shook his head. Duo stuck his tongue out in response. Wufei rolled his eyes and sighed.
"What clothes does this mean?" Heero asked shortly, pretending not to have noticed the little exchange between the two lovers.
"I dunno, maybe they're in this thing," Duo shrugged, walking over to a large wardrobe, the only other furniture in the room besides the beds. He opened the large oak door carefully, peering into the shadowed darkness within. Suddenly he stepped back, eyes wide in shock and abject terror.
"What is it?" Wufei asked, stepping forward and looking at the contents of the wardrobe. He leapt back away when he spied the contents, shuddering and hugging himself with his arms.
Heero drew his gun and marched to the wardrobe, swinging the heavy oak doors all the way open. The Japanese soldier dropped his gun in shock. The armoire contained many clothes, all labeled with their names and a date, and they were neatly laid out with matching shoes and what appeared to be masks. What made the soldier so shocked was that everything in the entire closet was a bright and cheerful pink.
It was absolutely terrifying.
~ ~ ~ ~
Across the hallway, Trowa and Quatre had discovered their pink clothing, similar instructions and one bed for both of them. This made the pair blush profusely while trying frantically to pretend not to be obviously embarrassed and secretly pleased.
At five minutes until seven, however nice their shared time was, both were anxious to get out of the room and see what the hell was going to happen at dinner. Donning the frighteningly pink masks, they stepped out into the hallway.
At the same instant, their three fellow pilots stepped out of the room across from them. It was quite a sight, Duo was uncomfortably dressed in a pink silk shirt with very tight pink pants, his braid tied at the end with a pink scrunchie. Heero was looking disgruntled in a pink tank top and pink spandex shorts. Wufei had his arms crossed as he shuffled out in his pink jeans and pink laced up shirt. All three had pink fluffy and feathered masks clutched in their right hands.
Quatre snorted quietly, trying to hold his laughter inside himself. It wasn't as though he and Trowa were dressed any better. Trowa's tight pink jeans and tight pink turtleneck were giggle worthy in and of on their themselves, that is, they would be if Quatre hadn't wanted to offend his silent friend by laughing like a total nutjob. Glancing down at his own attire, he realized the only unusual thing about his appearance was that his khakis were pink. Oh, and his pink shoes with little hearts all over them, of course.
Duo, on the other hand, had no compunctions about laughing his ass off.
After everyone grumbled about their hideously pink outfits, the group set off at a brisk pace, following the directions left for them to find the main hall.
~ ~ ~ ~
Upon arriving at the main hall, masks on, the five fearless Gundam pilots timidly entered the large room and looked around. The other guests were all donned in similar pink attire and masks, and all were chatting amiably with each other. Conversation stopped for a moment when the five boys in pink stepped into the room. After a slight pause and a few muffled giggles, the others continued their private discussions.
After a few seconds of standing there like the utterly confused and nervous boys they were, a large clock on the wall chimed. On the seventh toll of the bell, the little fluffy pink cloud appeared in the center of the room again. It formed a hand and waved cheerfully.
HI.
The little pink smoke cloud spelled in the air.
"Hi, Ores!" Duo chirped back.
NOW WE SHALL HAVE DINNER. BUT FIRST, THE UNVEILING.
Cupid, in his disassembled stated, snickered to himself as he formed these words.
"Must we?" One of the other guests asked in an aristocratic tone.
YES, WE MUST, YOU TIGHT ASS.
One of the other guests snickered at this.
OKAY, ON THE COUNT OF THREE…
The five pilots exchanged a nervous glance between themselves and moved slightly closer in a defensive huddle against the other unknown guests.
1…
The other guests reached up to lift their masks, and a few feminine giggles of anticipation could be heard.
2…
A deep sigh came from the tall figure that had been called a tight ass as he reached up to his mask.
3…
With no hesitation, no one at all removed their masks.
HEY! TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN MASKS OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASSES!
…HEY, THAT SORTA RHYMNED.
Everyone sweatdropped and removed their masks.
Upon seeing the identities of the other guests, the five Gundam pilots felt slight terror grip their respective hearts. In return, the other guests all looked either ecstatically excited or absolutely shocked at the people revealed.
It was going to be an interesting next couple of days.
NOW, GET YOUR BITCH ASSES TO DINNER AND DAMN WELL ENJOY WHAT WAS COOKED FOR YOUR LAZY BUTTS.
Cupid popped out of cloud form and into invisibility before he broke down into maniacal giggles. Nothing like controversy and adversity to force people together. Now, to bring in the alcohol and the arrows for the final parts of the equation.
This was going to be damn fun.
~ ~ ~ ~