Pretty, Pretty Pink, Alcoholic Drink!
(Say this out loud for the full effect)By: Spooks
~ ~ ~ ~
To their complete and utter horror, the pink-dressed and extremely skittish Gundam pilots were standing in a room with some of their greatest enemies…and a few questionable allies as well. It all depended on your point of view and when in the series we're placing this, I suppose. All gathered together in the mansion, also dressed in pink, the group looked at each other in shock.
'Oh, shit. This is not going to be good for our plans to get Heero in the sack,' Duo though remorsefully as he spied a very happy and inanely excited Relena Peacecraft ogling Heero's pink spandex clad rear. Heero, to his credit, actually looked rather shocked at the assembled other guests. He was currently inching behind Duo, heading for the doorway.
Surrounding the Gundam pilots were Relena, Hilde, Catherine, Dorothy, Sally, Treize, Zechs (with a very shiny pink helmet), Lady Une, and Noin. Everyone looked suitably stunned for a few moments, taking in the appearances of their comrades and sorta-kinda-depends-on-when-we're-talking-about-type enemies.
"Well, greetings, everyone," Treize said, discreetly clearing his throat and trying to pretend he wasn't wearing a pink frilly cape trimmed with lace.
"Uh, hi!" Duo replied, his voice a parody of strained happiness.
Meanwhile, the ladies had come together in a small huddle. It was eerie how quickly and efficiently the women had called a truce and converged, in fact. All seven of them were grouped together and whispering, occasionally glancing out at the men and boys. Ever so often a muffled giggle would float across the room.
In response, the Gundam pilots exchanged long stares with Treize and Zechs. A few moments later, they found themselves standing in a together across the room from the group of mysteriously planning women.
Before any nefarious schemes could be launched, the little pink cloud popped back into existence in the middle of the room.
YOUR DINNER IS GETTING COLD, YOU ASSHOLES.
GO.
EAT.
…
AND DRINK. ESPECIALLY DRINK. DRINK LOTS.
With that declaration, the cloud morphed again, formed a giant pink cloudy broom, and proceeded to sweep the group in the direction of the dining room.
~ ~ ~ ~
At the table, the men all sat on one side while the ladies sat on the other. It was deadly silent as the assembled pink-clad group ate their pink colored appetizers. After awhile, everyone finished their food and occasionally sipped their pink, strangely tangy drinks.
'Pink, pink, everywhere!' Relena thought gleefully.
'Pink, pink, every-damn-where,' Wufei thought with scorn.
Silence reigned.
TALK, DAMNIT!
"What do you expect, Ores?" Wufei snapped back in response as the pink cloud somehow wheeled out a cart of pink soup. "You put us in a room with our sworn enemies and people that, well, no offense meant, but we don't know very well. Do you expect us to be chattering inanely?"
KISS MY PINK CLOUDY ASS. HAVE A DRINK, LOOSEN UP.
"Well, I can honestly say this wasn't my choice for somewhere to be on Valentine's Weekend, but we could all make the best out of it!" Hilde said brightly as Ores floated over with a refill for her pretty pretty pink alcoholic drink.
"Best my ass," Dorothy mumbled moodily as she got her drink refilled also. She sent a significant angry and jealous glare in the direction of Trowa, who was currently involved in trying not to make obvious goo-goo eyes at Quatre.
Catherine looked down at her pink soup. "Wow, Trowa, look! Pink soup! I've never made pink soup before. Maybe I should get the recipe from our host. What do you think?"
"That sounds fine, Catherine," Trowa said quietly, sipping his soup discretely of off his spoon.
Duo had just finished his and had tipped the bowl up to drink the rest straight from the dish. Just as he had slurped up the rest, he jumped. Someone had just rubbed his happy stick under the table! In shock, he dropped the bowl with a clatter, not noticing the bit of soup still clinging to his nose. Looking to his right, he glared at Wufei.
"Hey, watch it, Wu!" The American whispered. "I don't want to get a woody in front of all these people."
Wufei lifted one eyebrow as he put his spoon down. "What are you talking about?"
"Didn't you just grab, uh, well, me?" Duo asked quietly.
"Sorry, wasn't me," Wufei paused to take a sip of his drink. "But that's a good idea."
"Then, if it wasn't you…" Duo blushed and looked over at Heero, sitting on his other side. "Hey, uh, Heero?"
"What?" Heero replied stoically as he took a sip.
Seeing the slightly glazed look in Heero's deep blue eyes, Duo just stammered out a quick, "Never mind." Confused, the braided boy sipped his pink drink and looked around. "AH!"
Someone had done it again. Duo glared around at his table neighbors. Wasn't Wufei, wasn't Heero, who could it…oh no. Shinigami timidly brought his gaze to the girl sitting in front of him. Hilde was giggling madly, a slightly demented and lusty grin pasted to her slightly plastered face.
Oh. No.
Duo blushed and pushed back from the table. "Well, uh, I'm full. Uh, I think I'll go take a nap or something. Yeah."
Wufei grabbed his braid and pulled the boy back down into seat. "Don't go, Du-du," Wufei giggled. "We haven't even eaten the main course yet."
"Did you just call me Du-du?" Duo asked in shock, stammering slightly as he was forced to sit.
"Yes!" Wufei exclaimed seriously before breaking into giggles again.
Duo looked around the table. Heero was looking glassy eyed at his left hand, holding it up in front of his face. Wufei was giggling madly. Trowa and Quatre were both blushing slightly and had moved their chairs closer together. Surveying the Oz faction of the table, Duo noted that Trieze's top three buttons were unbuttoned and he was elegantly sipping his pink drink, one pinky in the air. Zechs had removed his pink shiny helmet and looked to be nodding off.
Blinking, Duo turned his gaze across the table to the female section. Dorothy was twirling a finger around one pointed eyebrow as she leered in Quatre's general direction, then turned to leer at Relena. Catherine was glaring at Quatre, but in anger. Looked like sis was getting protective. Duo laughed to himself, very loudly. He then looked at Sally, whose glass was still relatively full. She was looking around the table too and starting to look nervous. Their gazes met and they shrugged in unison. Duo continued his survey, moving on to watch Noin and Une gazing at Zechs and Treize while the two of them gazed at each other. Oh, no one saw that one coming. Almost afraid to look, the American pilot finally turned his attention to Relena. Wincing in anticipation, Duo was amazed to notice the pink Princess of Sank was only rarely glancing at Heero. Instead, her attention was fixed on the eyebrow twiddling Dorothy. Finally, Duo looked across from him at Hilde. Just as he feared, she was gazing at him. He yelped as he felt another brush of something on the inside of his thigh.
"Hilde, please don't do that," Duo said as discretely as he could.
"What?" The short girl asked innocently. Duo felt another nudge, very close to his little Shinigami.
"That! Stop! I don't like you like that!" Duo hissed.
"Oh, sorry," Hilde pouted.
"What was she doing?" Relena turned a bright-eyed look at Duo.
"Uh, well…" Duo stalled for a second.
"I was trying to touch his willy!" Hilde giggled.
"Oh! Cool! Hey, Heero? Can I touch your willy?" Relena giggled.
"Hn. No." Heero grunted as he continued to stare at his hand.
A few seconds later, Heero jumped. "I said no. Don't touch me."
"I didn't!" Relena protested as the pink cloud refilled her drink.
"It was me, Heero!" Hilde giggled. "I always thought you had a sweet ass!"
Suddenly, Wufei let out an undignified yelp. "Onna! Do not presume to touch my rod of justice!"
Hilde just blinked innocently.
Before anything else could be said, Ores floated up to the top of the room, above the center of the table.
ALRIGHT. ARE YOU ENJOYING YOUR MEAL?
A mumbled and shouted chorus of "Yes's" was his reply.
GOOD. CARRY ON.
Cupid popped into invisibility again and he retrieved his quill of arrows. Carefully choosing, his readied his bow and the chosen arrow to aim at the blond boy. It was the arrow of confession, and would cause the person it hit to have to tell his heart's desire to the person he, well, desired.
At that moment, however, several things happened at once.
Duo, Heero, and Wufei, all within reach of Hilde's wandering hentai feet, all stood up at the same time, knocking their chairs over. Relena was laughing so hard that she fell backwards in her chair and cracked her skull. Dorothy leapt up to help her up from the ground, as did Sally. Zechs had fallen asleep and had done a face-plant in his empty soup bowl, causing him to slump onto Treize. Treize, unprepared for this, was pushed into Quatre, who just happened to be leaning forward in his chair. Quatre was knocked to the side, his head landing firmly in Trowa's lap. Seeing the blond boy's face in her brother's lap, Catherine jumped up and tried to get Trowa out from under the newly formed bishounen pile.
Of course, Catherine had already drunk quite a few glasses of her pink drink. Catherine was not as graceful and surefooted as she would normally be. Catherine fell down.
She landed half on Lady Une, who immediately stood up in shock. By doing this, however, she accidentally pushed her arm off on Noin's chair. Noin slid back in response, right into the curtain by the window. Not realizing what she was doing, she stood up, accidentally catching the curtain on her pink belt. (Don't ask how.) At the exact moment she was about to step away, Hilde ran into her on her way around the table to glomp…well, someone. This caused Noin to stumble and fall, bringing the curtain with her.
The large curtain, incidentally, managed to knock down a mirror off the wall. The mirror caught the light from the chandelier, blinding Cupid. Since he was already laughing and was wholly unprepared to be flashed in the face with a bright light, Cupid dropped his quill.
Shit.
~ ~ ~ ~
When all was said and done, and the random arrows had randomly struck random people, Cupid sat up from where he had randomly landed. Looking around the room, Cupid realized that although this was going to be quite amusing, he would have some serious shit to explain to Big Ed later. Checking his quill, he saw that among the missing arrows were the Misplace Lust, Weird Fetish, and the Mindless Drunken Sex arrows. Among others. Great.
Catherine sat up and blinked. Who was that gorgeous man in pink? Wait, there were many gorgeous men in pink. The one with the long blond hair…wasn't he one her brother's enemies? Why the hell would her brother fight someone so, so…so damn hot!
Meanwhile, Duo shook his head, trying to clear up his thoughts. The first thing he saw was Catherine stumbling to her feet. Oh, wow, that was the chick that made soup had nice legs.
Dorothy sat up, adjusting her eyebrows. Why was Maxwell hanging on Catherine's arm? Wasn't Maxwell humping Chang? Dorothy sighed. She suddenly realized she was very jealous of Chang. What the hell?
Heero stopped staring at his hand and looked up in time to see Dorothy grab onto the end of Duo's braid. Heero suddenly felt a pang in his groin. Wow, Dorothy was such a strong, forceful woman. Why hadn't he noticed her before?
Before we get boring, let's just say that in seconds there was a huge glomp line going. It basically went as follows: Zechs, Catherine, Duo, Dorothy, Heero, Lady Une, Quatre, Noin, and Wufei. Relena was transfixed by her reflection in the mirror, and Sally just sat there wondering what the hell was going on with everyone. Before she could take in the strange sight of Heero glomping Dorothy (hell, glomping anyone), never mind Lady Une glomping Heero, Sally suddenly found herself being glomped by Zechs.
While she was trying to get away, she noticed that Trowa had grabbed Hilde's arm, and Hilde had jumped on Trieze's back. Trieze, in turn, was trying to grab Trowa's ass. Oh my.
Cupid just floated in invisible shock as he looked at the glompfest below him. Everyone had somehow managed to detangle themselves and was running around after the one they loved/lusted/were-somehow-suddenly-wanting-to-fuck-quite-urgently. Sally Po had ducked under the table to escape the groping Zechs, while Wufei was trying to grab Noin's ass. Noin was having none of this and was trying to get far, far away from Wufei without getting to far from Quatre.
Catherine was holding Duo off with a pair of pink-handled knives while Dorothy had thrown herself in front of him with a pink sword produced from Ed-knows-where. Meanwhile, Duo was trying to get around the protective Dorothy to get to Catherine anyway. Heero was searching in his pink spandex for something, while Lady Une was trying to peek into those shorts while holding a pink revolver on the adoring Quatre in an attempt to keep him at bay. Cupid groaned as he realized that God was so going to kick his ass for this one. Oh, why oh why had he spiked the punch?
Time suddenly froze.
"CUPID! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?"
Speak of the Devil---er, in this case, Big Ed.
"GET UP HERE!"
Leaving the momentarily halted chaos, Cupid climbed into the Golden Golf Cart that Ed had sent down for him.
Oh, just fuckin' peachy.
~ ~ ~ ~
When Cupid arrived in the presence of the Omnipotent Dude, he had thought up a good few excuses and explanations to save his ass from being thwapped. The Dude was a Nice Guy most of the time, real big on forgiveness. Surely He would give Cupid the chance to fix his little…well, admittedly gargantuan mistake.
Right.
Cupid slipped on his sunglasses, feeling proud for being prepared for Big Ed's extra bright and slightly miffed aura. Ed put down his Big Universal Remote [TM] and turned to the little cherub.
"Cupid," God paused, drumming his fingers on the arm of his throne. He shook His head, setting little flecks of luminance free, showering a few nearby clouds with a brilliant golden luster. "Cupid, what happened?"
"Well, I gathered the group you wanted fixed up together, along with a few extras. See the extras were supposed to be adversity and motivation for the ones I wanted to hook up," Cupid grinning winningly. "It was turning out to be okay, too, I was about to strike the appropriate hearts with the appropriate arrows, but, well, I dropped the quill."
"I saw that much. What do you plan to do about this little unsavory situation?" The Big Guy asked with a sigh.
"Well, uh, no offense, God…but, well, for God's sakes, here, you're GOD! Can't you do anything about it?" Cupid asked in timid exasperation.
The Lord chuckled. "Well, see, Cupid, sometimes we must fix our own mistakes. If I stuck my hand into every little thing that people wanted me fix, do you really think that they would learn anything? I only help those that help themselves, you know that," He paused for a second and winked. "Besides, good management is all about delegating responsibility."
Cupid sighed. "Okay, I understand. Well, I suppose I could hit them all with knockout arrows and then set them up the way I wanted them to before this whole mess happened. That should work." He tapped his foot thoughtfully, disrupting the light cloud floor. It sneezed in annoyance.
"Excellent. Well, you better get your ass down there, I do believe the pause button is about to run out," Big Ed looked down at his Big Universal Remote [TM] and its blinking pause button.
Cupid climbed back into heaven's golden transportation. "I don't suppose you could hit the pause button again, could you?"
God laughed heartily, sending waves of light out in illuminant peals of energy. "What do you think?"
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