Santa Heero

By: Spooks

~ ~ ~ ~

It was an ordinary December morning for the Gundam pilots. They were between missions and staying in one of Quatre's "small" houses until they received new mission orders. Productive as always, three of the pilots were deeply engaged in watching the greatest, most Earth-shatteringly intense duel of wills and determination they had ever seen in their young lives. A feat to behold, the other two pilots, the actual combatants, were immersed in their contest, so deeply involved in their respective tasks that one could not witness the event without stopping and staring in unmitigated awe.

Trowa and Heero were having a staring contest.

Duo looked down at his watch and whistled. "Going on two hours, and neither party has cracked a smile or spoken a word."

"This is simply amazing. The endurance and strength of will to do something this boring for so long astounds me," Wufei said, grabbing a handful of popcorn from a conveniently placed bowl.

Silently, Trowa began his next attack. He reached up and pushed his bang back, crossed his eyes, and made a horrible face at Heero. Heero countered the attack by glaring back, and then wiggling his ears without changing the expression on his face.

"Well, that worked really well, Trowa," Quatre laughed. He looked at Duo and Wufei, who were currently amusing themselves by trying to balance pieces of popcorn on their noses. "Maybe we should allow outside interference, make the game more interesting."

Duo's wide eyes instantly gained an unholy gleam as the kernel his was balancing fell off his nose and into his mouth. He grinned and looked down at the popcorn bowl, then up at Quatre, who caught on and smiled slightly evilly back. Wufei, however, was still trying to get his piece of popcorn to balance onto his nose. Annoyed that the Chinese boy wasn't paying attention, Duo thumped the popcorn he was working with, just as it was perfectly balanced.

"Kisama! What did you do that for?!" Wufei retorted.

"Relax, Wuf-ster," Duo said, dodging out of reach and grabbing a handful of popcorn. He shoved the buttery treat it into Wufei's hand. He then looked in the direction of Heero and Trowa, then back at the popcorn.

"Oh."

Meanwhile, Heero and Trowa were getting nervous. Not willing to concede the game, neither was willing to look up to see just what the other pilots were doing. So they sat there, staring, until...

"ATTACK!" Duo yelled.

Suddenly the two staring-gladiators were pelted with thrown pieces of gooey, buttery popcorn.

No response.

A few minutes later, Heero was wearing a pair red and white polka-dotted underwear on his head, courtesy of Duo. Trowa's bang had been neatly braided by Quatre. Wufei was busy rummaging around in one of Quatre's sisters' makeup kits that just happened to by lying around. He held up a stick of lipstick triumphantly. Duo snatched the item away, throwing the cap across the room and turning the bright pink color up. Heero's eyes widened significantly when the tube came into his field of vision. Cackling maniacally, Duo leaned forward, intending to draw pink stars on Heero's face when Heero's laptop beeped from across the room.

"Good game," Heero said, getting up to answer the incoming message, leaving a disappointed Duo in his wake.

"..." Trowa said, nodding.

The other three sweat dropped.

"01 here." Heero said as he brought up the visual on the laptop screen.

"Ah, hello Heero. I see the other pilots are with you. Good. You all have a joint mission," Dr. J. said. He was flanked on the screen by the other four scientists.

Upon hearing this, the others got up and stood behind Heero, waiting for their orders. Trowa picked absently at the blue ribbon that held the end of his braided bang together.

"This is very important, and will require significant undercover assignments. Fortunately, it has been arranged that you will be working together on this mission as a unit. You will be infiltrating a consumer specialized building that many high ranking OZ officials and their families frequent. This being the holiday season, there will be many of these people will be, well, shopping," J continued. "You five are to merely gather intelligence from the civilian family members that you encounter while undercover. We will be sending you the necessary clothing required for this mission along with the specific mission parameters later today. Questions?"

The pilots looked at each other and shook their heads. It was strange, J seemed more evasive than usual.

"Ninmu ryoukai."

"Good. Oh, and Heero?" J asked.

"What?"

"What's that on your head?"

~ ~ ~ ~

Later that day, a loud, insistent knocking sounded at the front door. After a few seconds of silence, the knocking started again, much louder and longer than before. Duo swung the door open, and promptly got knocked on by a delivery girl. She was looking down at a clipboard in her hand and blowing a large bubble of blue chewing gum. She glanced up just in time to see her fist connect with Duo's nose.

"OW!" Duo cried, grabbing his knocked nose.

"Sorry," the girl said, cracking her bubble gum loudly. Some of the pieces of the bubble got stuck in her bangs and on her face. "You expecting a delivery?"

"Uh, yeah," he replied, rubbing his nose.

"Hurry up and sign, I've got things to do," the girl said, as she picked at the gum in her hair and held out her little clipboard.

Duo promptly scrawled a few indistinct lines on the form, then handed the clipboard back. The girl snatched it back and sighed moodily, picking off pieces of gum from her eyebrows.

"There it is. It's heavy," she said, pointing at a huge box that lay at the bottom of the porch stairs. "Thank you and have a nice day." She then ran back to her truck and sped off down the street.

"Hey, guys! The stuff is here!" Duo yelled back into the house before bounding down the stairs to inspect the large box. "Must be one hell of a lot of clothes needed for this mission," he mused, grunting as he tried to lift it.

Giving this up as a lost cause, he turned to go back and yell for someone to get their lazy ass down here and help him when Heero appeared and picked up the box smoothly. Duo shrugged and followed him up the porch stairs and back into the house. Heero dropped the box in the middle of the living room, the other pilots gathering around him as he took out a knife to open it.

"Allow me," Wufei said, stepping forward with his sword raised.

Heero wisely obliged, moving back out of the way. With a loud battle cry, Wufei lunged forward and attacked the innocent box with a flurry of brutal and swift swipes. He then stepped back and smirked, panting slightly. After a few seconds of sitting there, the box surrendered and fell apart at the seams.

"Wufei, has anyone ever told you that you need a good method of stress management?" Duo asked from his place behind Heero. No one had looked in the box yet, but a white furry thing lay atop the amorphous pile of what appeared to be clothing.

Before anyone could say anything more, Heero's laptop beeped again, signaling a message. He went to check it while the other four picked their way around the remains of the box. As Heero opened the email, Duo reached out and picked up the white furry thing on top of the other items.

"No, this can't be..." Duo's voice trailed off as Quatre picked up a large red pair of pants and matching coat. "No way."

"What, Duo?" Quatre asked, looking confused at the American's startled face.

Duo burst out laughing just as Heero stood up from his laptop abruptly, knocking over his chair.

"Heero's....Heero's going to have to...." Duo gasped between laughs. "He's going to dress...up...as..." Duo couldn't finish when he caught a glance of the doomed expression on Heero's face.

A dawning of understanding graced Trowa's face as he looked from the white fluffy thing in Duo's hand and to the huge red suit that Quatre held.

"I'm going to have to dress up as Santa Claus," Heero said flatly.

The room was very quiet, except for Duo's dying giggles, that is, for a few seconds as the others registered this information. Then they burst out laughing.

"Oh, don't laugh just yet," Heero smirked with a wicked gleam in his eyes. "Guess who gets to be Mrs. Claus?" He looked at Duo with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh no," Duo gasped quietly.

"Oh, yes." Heero actually grinned, tapping the print-out of the email. "In short, we are to pose as Santa, elves, and a photographer at a mall where many OZ leaders' families will be shopping. We are to listen to the families as they get their picture taken with, uh, Santa."

"Which would be you," Duo pointed out helpfully.

"Yes. It was assigned to me. You, Duo, will be posing as Mrs. Claus. Quatre and Wufei will be elves, and Trowa will take the pictures," Heero finished, trying not to smirk. "The mission is for tomorrow. Training, then actual work. Mission duration is one day."

~ ~ ~ ~

The next morning Heero struggled, trying to get a shoulder holster to fit comfortably and unnoticed among the pillows stuffed in his shirt was not easy.

"Heero, don't you think it's slightly disturbing that Santa Claus is going to be packing heat?" Duo asked from across the room. As for himself, he was looking skeptically at a pair of red tights. He snapped the waistband and noted the built in control top. He shuddered.

"Hn," Heero retorted, grumpily struggling with the pillows stuffed in his spandex shorts, giving the illusion of puffiness when he fastened them with the provided wide black belt. He couldn't see over the padding on his stomach to buckle it properly.

Noting his partner's increasingly murderous frustration with the padding, Duo crossed the room and fastened the belt for him. He then took the liberty of adjusting the pillows and padding, and then straightening the whole ensemble to look a bit more reasonable.

"There. All done," Duo chirped happily, smacking Heero lightly on his now-padded bottom.

"You aren't ready yet," Heero glared in response.

Duo looked at his outfit where it was laid out across his bed and grimaced. "I really don't want to dress as Mrs. Claus. I have to wear panty hose."

"Well, you have to put it on because it's part of the mission," Heero stated, a jolly and undeniably impure twinkle sparking in his eyes. "And maybe later you can sit in Santa's lap and tell him exactly what you want for Christmas."

"Oh, really?" Duo grinned, leaning forward. "Anything I want...?" He breathed, closing the distance between himself and Heero.

"Anything," Heero whispered huskily, grasping the other boy's arms and pulling him close to his padded body.

"Hee-chan," Duo whispered, focusing his gaze on the Wing pilot's lips and leaning forward.

"Hn?"

"I can't reach you," he giggled, breaking the embrace and heading back towards his costume.

"Damn padding."

After a considerable amount of protesting, Duo was finally dressed in his Mrs. Claus outfit. It consisted of red panty hose, a very tight and very short red and white fur-trimmed skirt, black shoes, and a jacket style top that looked similar to "Santa's" coat. The top had long sleeves and successfully disguised the American's wiry muscles. The final touch was a red Santa hat over Duo's unbraided hair that fell down past the hem of his short skirt. Duo was a very sexy Mrs. Claus.

"Quatre has his one of his sisters' makeup kits, so he's going to make me look more girlish," Duo said, eyeing himself in the mirror. "Something's missing, though..."

Heero, who had just been sitting and enjoying the view, stood up and unbuttoned Duo's shirt.

"Heero! Not now!"

"Hn. Baka," Heero grunted as he grabbed a couple of socks and some tissues, then proceeded to stuff them in Duo's top. "You need padding, too."

"Oh," Duo squeaked as Heero adjusted his new, um, additions. "Hey! You're not wearing your beard! And what about your hair, do you have a wig?"

"I have a hat," Heero said. "That stupid beard itches, I'm not putting it on now."

"That hat's not going to cover that mop you call hair," Duo said, ruffling said mop as Heero buttoned his shirt up over the new additions for him. "I know! Be right back."

Duo dashed into the bathroom and returned with baby powder. Before Heero could figure out what he was going to do with the powder, Duo dumped a handful onto the top of Heero's head and ruffled his hand through the hair, essentially turning it a grayish white.

"Wow, I can't believe that worked," Duo said as he stepped back and surveyed the results. Heero now looked like a round, white haired, annoyed and beardless Santa.

Heero grunted and looked at himself in the mirror. Acceptable. Then he sneezed and rubbed his nose. Hn. He then bent over to put his boots on to finish the outfit, discovering that he couldn't see his shoes to tie them. Duo giggled. Heero sneezed again. It was going to be a long day.

~ ~ ~ ~

Downstairs in the living room, Quatre was adjusting his elf's outfit while Trowa looked on. The slender Arabian was wearing green tights, a red and green tunic with shorts, a green hat with a jingle bell on the end, and to top it all off, red curly elf shoes that were adorned with tiny little jingle bells. When he walked across the room, the bells jingled merrily. All in all, Quatre looked like an adorable little blond elf.

"Well, do I look like an elf?" the he asked Trowa.

"..."

"Aw, that's so sweet of you, Trowa!"

At that moment Duo came bouncing into the room, looking the part of a young and merry Mrs. Claus. Behind him stalked Heero, who sneezed and adjusted his hat. He was carrying his fluffy white beard in his hand.

"Okay, Q, make me look like a chick," Duo said, sitting down so Quatre could do his makeup.

"Alright, Duo, hold still. I've never done this on anyone but one of my sisters. By the way, don't take this the wrong way, but you look pretty good," Quatre said as he started to apply blush to Duo's cheeks.

"Aw, thanks. You don't look half bad yourself, Elf-boy," Duo replied. "Hey, how come you look normal, Trowa? Doesn't the picture guy have any sort of costume?"

Trowa looked down at his plain white button down shirt and black slacks. He looked deliberately up at Duo and carefully put on a Santa hat.

"You know, Trowa, if I didn't know better I'd think you were making fun of me," Duo said, laughing. "Bless you, Heero," he added as the reluctant Mr. Claus sneezed again.

"Duo, if you don't hold still I might stab you in the eye with this stuff."

"Sorry," Duo replied, making a valiant attempt to stay still. "Hey, where's Wu?"

"Right here," came the Chinese boy's voice from the other side of the doorway. He was not visible from the room. "This is degrading."

Heero sneezed. "Degrading?"

Wufei stalked into the room carrying his little elf hat in his hand. His elf outfit looked identical to Quatre's except for a couple differences, he was wearing a green, jingle bell trimmed skirt instead of shorts under his curve-hugging tunic.

"Degrading and injust. I refuse to dress like an onna, even for a mission," Wufei declared loudly over Duo's hysterical laughter.

"Wu-man, you look so kawaii!" Duo giggled. "And you get to wear makeup, too!"

Quatre gave up and handed Duo a mirror and a tube of lipstick. "How come the scientist assigned you to be a girl elf? Couldn't there have just been two guy elves?"

"You will dress like as the scientists assigned you to dress," Heero said between sneezes. "I think I'm allergic to the baby powder you put in my hair, Duo."

"Sit down, Wufei," Quatre said, "Makeup time."

Wufei's eyes widened comically. "No."

"Yes," Heero said, rubbing his nose.

"Aw, damnit. Fine. Those scientists are sadistic bastards. I swear sometimes I wonder about their sanity," Wufei said as he crossed his arms and sat down, jingling as he did so. Quatre got started. Duo snapped the hair band from the Chinese boy's hair, freeing his hair to fall softly to his shoulders.

"Good idea, Duo," Quatre said cheerfully.

"This is terrible."

"Shut up, Wufei. You don't have to have children sit on you all day," Heero sneezed.

"We need to leave if we're going to be on time," Trowa said, avoiding the whole subject. He felt extremely relieved that he was dressed normally. Makeup, jingle bells, and padding did not sound like a good time.

"Yea! This is going to be fun!" Duo said cheerfully. "I love kids!"

Remember the mission, remember the mission Heero mumbled to himself. He sneezed. This sucks.

"I feel pretty," Wufei said grumpily.[1]

~ ~ ~ ~

By the time Duo and Quatre finished making Wufei all pretty, they were late for their "training session."

"Now," their cheerfully psychotic boss/trainer chirped, talking a mile a minute and leading them through a mostly empty mall, "Santa has to be sweet and nice to the children, even if they are screaming, crying, or puking. The elves have great the customers, and lead the children up to Santa and help them onto his lap if the kid is too short. Mrs. Claus hands out candy canes after the children have their pictures taken and assists the elves. The photograph, takes the pictures, duh, and deals with the money. Any questions?" the girl paused momentarily and giggled. Then her voice turned deadly, "I hope not, since you were thirty minutes late." Then her voice turned sweet and happy again, "You all look great in your outfits, too. Especially you girls, you look so cute!"

Wufei growled and Duo grinned at hearing this. The group had reached the center court of the large shopping mall. Set up there was a large winter wonderland. Fake reindeer danced in mid air, held up by wires from the ceiling. A large red and gold throne was the center feature of a stage that had a long, red carpeted walkway leading up and around the whole scene, allowing for a long line of people to wait. Around the walkway, fluffy cotton snow covered various little scenes of dancing penguins, romping elves, singing choirs, and even a small nativity. The ramp, stage, and exit were enclosed in sturdy railing to stop the children from escaping. Above the whole thing was a large white and red banner that declared, "Welcome to the North Pole!" All in all, it was gaudy, yet somehow sentimental at the same time.

"I thought penguins were from Antarctica?" Trowa asked.

"They are, but aren't they festive?" The girl laughed, before her voice turned frighteningly calm and quiet. "Get in your places and get ready. And don't sneeze on the kids, Santa, or else," her voice lightened again as she walked away briskly, "And have fun!"

The five pilots watched her go, then turned and looked at the scene before them. Heero sneezed.

Not knowing what else to do, they took their places and began preparations for the upcoming ordeal. Wufei straightened his skirt, Trowa inspected the camera, and Quatre watched Trowa. Heero sat down on his chair. Duo immediately sat down on his lap.

"Duo! Not here," Heero hissed in Duo's ear.

"Oh, Hee-chan, get your mind out of the gutter," Duo grinned, adjusting Heero's fake Santa beard. "You do realize that you're going to have a bunch of cute little happy children climbing all over you for the whole day, right? You're going to have to learn to smile and talk to the kids."

Heero growled and snatched Duo's hand away from the beard. "Smile? Chat? Why the hell aren't you playing Santa, then?"

Duo shrugged. "Scientists' orders. I've been thinking about why we're assigned the way we are. If you look at it another way, what else could you have done? Would you have been better suited to being a cute little elf or Mrs. Claus? And don't even say that you'd rather have Trowa's job, he's the only one of us tall enough to work the camera on its tripod correctly."

"Hn."

"That's right. Could you imagine Quatre as Santa, anyway? He'd get squished. And with this hair, is it any wonder they made me dress as a chick? Oh my God, and could you imagine Wufei as Santa Claus?" Duo started laughing, picturing Wufei wearing a Santa's outfit and ranting about justice to a four-year-old that just wanted a pony. He then snuggled closer and leaned in towards Heero to whisper in his ear. "And besides, don't you think I look good in my skirt?"

Heero nodded slightly, feeling Duo's heated breath on his neck. He looked down and noticed just how much of the American's legs were exposed by the short skirt. Oh, and the way Duo's hair fell softly around his face and how nicely the gorgeous chestnut waves framed his lithe body. And the way his lips looked so lush and soft and oh so close...Then Heero sneezed, utterly ruining the moment.

"Oh for Nataku's sake, will you two please get off each other? We have to open in a minute!" Wufei said, averting his eyes and blushing slightly.

Duo hopped up from his comfortable spot on Heero's lap. "Sure thing, Wu-elf. Bring on the kids!"

~ ~ ~ ~

An hour and a half later, the pilots were settled into the routine of their assigned positions. Quatre, of course, was smiling serenely. Wufei was actually loosening up and starting to forget that he was wearing a skirt and makeup. Trowa, after figuring out that his hair obscured the camera lens, had his bang stuffed under his Santa hat and was taking pretty decent pictures. Duo, having the least to do of all the pilots, was having a blast bouncing around, handing out candy canes, and being happy. Heero, after having a constant stream of happy and lovable little kids talk to him and occasionally hug him, was positively glowing.

It was quite a sight to behold. Too bad it couldn't last.

The next five children that got in line didn't appear to be accompanied by adults. They looked about eight years old, and were all bundled up in winter clothing. One kid even had his orange hood pulled up so tight around his head that his face wasn't visible. The first kid, a boy with a blue and red hat looked up at Quatre with extremely large eyes.

"Hey, can I have my picture taken with my, uh, Wendy?" the boy asked, pointing to a little girl dressed in purple beside him.

"Sure you can!" Quatre said, thinking that this little couple was adorable. He ushered them over to Heero and helped the boy sit on one of Heero's knees. Before he could help the girl, she hopped up to sit next to the boy and put her arm around him. The boy looked nervous at this gesture. Quatre just blinked and moved back out of the picture.

"So, what do you kids want for Christmas?" Heero said, trying to act Santa-like.

"I want, well, I don't know," the boy said.

"Well, uh, what's your name?" Heero started, covering his mouth to sneeze.

"Stan," the boy supplied.

"Well, Stan, what did you want last year?" Duo jumped into the conversation.

"Who the hell are you?" Stan asked, turning to look up at Duo.

"Mrs. Claus"

"Oh. I don't remember. All I remember from last year was taking hormones around New Year's so I'd get my period. But then I found out that boys don't get periods, only chicks do."

Duo sweatdropped.

"Well, little girl, do you know what you want for Christmas?" Heero asked the girl, deciding just to deal with what Stan had said at another time.

"I want Stan," she said promptly, then smiled at the little boy.

Stan's cheeks bulged out and he covered his mouth, but after a few seconds he puked right onto Heero's fake beard. "Sorry, Wendy."

"Oh, gross, Stan!" the girl said, running away screaming. Stan followed her, wiping his mouth.

Duo, somewhere between horrified and amused, looked down at the vomit-dripping beard hanging from Heero's face. Heero was not amused, not at all. "That is not good. Come on, we'll have to clean you up." Duo said, grabbing Heero's arm and pulling him out of the chair. "Quatre, hold the line. Heero got puked on." He then pulled Heero away to fix the mess.

Meanwhile, Quatre and Wufei tried to deal with the other three kids in line. One of them stood apart from the others, a bored and slightly hurt expression on his face. Wufei decided to try and talk to the boy.

"Uh, what's your name, kid?" Wufei asked, bending at the knees to crouch down to the boy's level. He didn't want to flash anybody, after all.

"...Kyle," the boy mumbled.

"Well, Kyle, what's wrong?"

"I'm Jewish, I don't believe in Christmas and my friends do, so they rub it in my face," Kyle replied, looking at Wufei.

"That is extremely injust of your friends!"

"I know! But it's okay, because I still have Mr. Hankey," Kyle said, smiling.

"Mr. Hankey?"

"Yeah, Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, dumbass! If you eat lots of fiber he comes up from the toilet and gives you presents, no matter what you believe," Kyle said. "He sings and he dances and he even saved our town from Robert Redford once!"

Wufei blinked, not knowing whether to give the boy into trouble for calling him a dumbass or to walk away slowly from the reference to a singing piece of poo. He settled for smiling and nodding at the boy, hoping to hell the Heero and Duo got back soon and didn't stop for a nookie break.

Quatre, meanwhile, was occupied talking to the other two boys. The fat one was looking through a large packet of papers and the other one, the one with the orange hood, just kept mumbling incoherently.

"Hi, kids, do you know what you want for Christmas?" Quatre asked, bending over to be on eye level with them. Quatre bent over got Trowa to look in his direction.

"Yes I do," the fat one said, handing the large stack of papers he was holding to Quatre, who stumbled a little under the weight. "Here, Mr. Elf, is the list of all the things I want. My name is Eric Theodore Cartman, and at the top of the list is myah address."

"Well, uh," Quatre hefted the papers he had been handed, "Eric, I take it you have been a good boy, then?"

"Pffft. Hell yeah I've been good," the boy said. The kid in the hood mumbled something. Eric responded loudly, "GODDAMNIT, KENNY! I told you not to talk about my ma that way! You're nothing but a poor piece of crap. Hell, didn't your dad have to put your brother up for sale to get enough money to eat a can of peas for Thanksgiving?"

The other kid, Kenny, promptly kicked him in the balls. Then Kyle came over from where he was talking to Wufei and started laughing.

"Serves you right, Cartman. I'm surprised Kenny was able to kick you in the balls through all that blubber!" Kyle said, laughing.

Kenny mumbled something.

"Gross, Kenny!" Kyle shrieked. Cartman stood up and attacked Kenny again.

Wufei and Quatre just exchanged a look before slowly backing away from dust cloud stirred up by the fighting and cussing eight-year-olds. Before they could figure out what to do, Heero and Duo returned, the Japanese Santa sporting a clean beard and looking very smug. Duo was grinning widely. Oh yeah, they'd definitely cleaned Santa's beard.

Quatre separated the fighting boys. "Alright, who was next in line?"

"I was!" Cartman said, snatching his list back from Quatre's hand and running up to the chair. He hopped a few times, trying to get up to sit in Heero's lap, but he couldn't quite make it. So Duo decided to help him. After a few more tries, Quatre decided to help Duo help Cartman. Finally Wufei, Quatre, and Duo managed to heave the boy onto Heero's lap. The Japanese pilot's eyes bugged out slightly when the boy was seated. He turned to the child in his lap, intent on getting this over with as soon as possible. He was heavy.

"I want all of this, please, Santa," Cartman said, using a sweet voice. He dropped the huge list on Heero's other knee.

"Okay," Heero managed to say.

Trowa, sensing that Heero's chair was about to collapse under the immense weight that was Eric Cartman, snapped the picture. The boy hopped down from Heero's lap, took a candy cane from Duo, paid for his picture, and waited by the exit ramp, where Stan and Wendy had just reappeared. Duo tossed them candy canes, too.

Wufei led up the next boy, Kenny, to Santa-Heero's chair. The Chinese pilot had the distinct feeling the little boy was trying to look up his skirt. Meanwhile, Kyle wandered over to stand with the other kids by the exit, taking a candy cane as he passed Duo.

Once the boy had hopped onto his lap, Heero, still recovering from being puked on and nearly squished to death, raggedly asked him, "What do you want?"

"Mmmph, mmmm. MM," Kenny replied, pointing at Duo.

Heero's eyes glinted dangerously. "What did you say?" he asked in a low, menacing voice.

"He said he wanted to fuck your wife!" Kyle called out helpfully.

"Omae o korosu!" Heero yelled, trying to get to the gun he had hidden underneath his padding. Fortunately, he was unable to get to it before Duo stopped him.

"Heero! Santa Clause does not kill people!" The American hissed in his ear. "You'll blow our cover!" Then he turned towards the little boy and bopped him on the head with a candy cane. "No candy for you!"

Heero glowered at Kenny, who was still sitting in his lap. "Take the damn picture, Trowa." As soon as the picture was snapped, the boy hopped off of his lap and started towards his friends. Then he paused, jumped up, and slapped Duo on the ass before running away giggling.

Duo, despite his shock, managed to restrain Heero from shooting the boy as he paid for his picture[2] and walked away with his friends. Then he turned around and waved merrily, just as one of the hanging reindeers snapped from its cable and clobbered him, spurting blood out of his little orange hood.

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny," Stan stated calmly, not even turning around to survey the bloody mess.

"Yeah, yeah, you bastards," Kyle called over his shoulder. "I swear, I hate these gratuitous catch phrases."

Then the group was gone. The Gundam boys stared at the crushed body of the little pervert, not knowing what to do. Fortunately, some rats appeared and drug the body away.[3] The sound of a clearing throat came from the other side of the court area.

"Well, don't look too shocked, it happens every week," their supervisor said, stepping from behind a dancing penguin statue. "Now, since there's no one in line right now, it'd be a good time to take a break. You have to take a break or we get sued."

The woman started walking, leading the pilots in their, uh, festive garments back through the strangely empty mall.

"Hey, boss-lady? Where is everyone? Is the mall about to close or what?" Duo piped from the back of the group as they reached the break room, which smelled overwhelmingly of baby powder. Heero sneezed. Damnit, he was just getting over the stuff in his hair, too.

"This shopping facility is very close to a military base. Therefore the families of the soldiers and stuff shop here. Depending on the shift, we get different crowds at different times. Usually the spouses shop when their husbands, or whoever it happens to be, goes to work. The actual military guys show up right after shift changes, usually at the food court," the lady said. This was the only actual OZ-related information the pilots had heard all day, so they were paying close attention. "Stop staring at me!" their boss yelled.

"Uh, sorry. How late are we supposed to work, then?" Quatre asked from his hiding place behind Trowa.

"Well, the next shift Santa crew just cancelled, so if you're interested, you can work till closing at ten," she said, pouring herself some coffee. "Otherwise, you get off in a about, oh, an hour."

"We'll work the next shift," Heero monotoned, sneezing as he removed his beard. They only had one day at this mission, they needed more information than the way shopping patterns went due to shift changes. Maybe they could find out when exactly those shift changes were.

"Oh, great!" Their boss chirped, sipping her coffee. "That makes up for you being so late this morning and missing most of your training." With that, she turned and walked out the door, calling over her shoulder that they needed to be back out and ready in twenty minutes.

As soon as the woman was gone, Wufei started yanking on his tights, trying to adjust them. "K'so! Why do onnas wear these infernal things!?" he muttered to himself.

Quatre giggled from his spot by Trowa. The pair was sharing a large, ratty armchair. Trowa spoke calmly, "Wufei, if you're not careful you'll get a run in those. Then what would you do?"

"Hmmph." Wufei grunted, giving up and sitting down.

"Oh, come on, Wu-elf, sit like a lady!" Duo chided from his spot on a threadbare couch by sneezing Santa Heero. "Cross your legs, you're flashing us!"

Wufei blushed slightly and crossed his legs.

~ ~ ~ ~

After their too-short break, the five were once again ready for action and waiting for customers out on the center court. Duo was chatting to Heero, who had stopped sneezing after they left the break room, Wufei leaned against a railing, and Quatre watched Trowa try to adjust something on the camera. Suddenly the peaceful atmosphere was pierced by a high pitched familiar voice, and the boys all froze in terror. No, surely not here. How did she find them?

Relena, accompanied by Dorothy, had just walked up the ramp to have her picture taken. The two were chatting and giggling as they stood there in matching short pink dresses.

Duo squeaked and jumped back from his place at Heero's side in shock. Heero, for his part, looked stoically ahead, pretending he was one with the chair. Wufei blushed furiously. Regardless of what he thought of them, these two knew him. If they recognized him, wearing a skirt...oh, this was not good. Wufei calmly stepped behind a pillar and out of sight. Quatre, seeing this, was the one to take action, and calmly walked up to the two.

"Hello, and welcome to the North Pole. Would you like to have your picture taken with Santa?" the blond elf said, his manners and sense of duty instinctually kicking in.

"Yes, Miss Relena and I would like to have our picture taken. Why else would we be standing here?" Dorothy said, squinting at Quatre warily. "You look really familiar...Quatre?"

Quatre, admirably, didn't even blink. "I'm sorry, what?"

Dorothy shrugged and followed Relena towards Santa. "Never mind. You look exactly like someone I know, though...how strange."

Quatre breathed a sigh of relief and dashed behind the pillar next to Wufei's. No need to tempt fate.

Relena plopped herself down on one of Heero's knees, her legs turned inwards. Dorothy sat on the other knee, her legs also turned inward so two girls' legs were brushing slightly. As if on cue they each threw an arm around Heero's shoulder, their arms entwined. Heero shifted uncomfortably.

Changing his voice, he spoke, "So, uh, little girls..." Duo winced from his spot off to the side. Little girls? Heero continued, "What do you want for Christmas?"

Relena pouted, "Well, I have lots of stuff, what I really want, well..."

"Oh, I know what you want, Miss Relena. Or should I say, who?" Dorothy said smugly, lightly slapping Relena's knee. Heero's eyes widened slightly. Oh no.

"Shut up, Dorothy!" Relena hissed, her cheeks tingeing to match her dress. She then continued in a teasing tone, "You have to admit, it would be interesting, though. And what about you, huh?"

Dorothy smirked, raising one forked eyebrow and dragging her eyes up and down Relena's body, "Unlike you, I have no qualms about stating what I want."

Off in by his candy canes, Duo covered his mouth and snickered. Who would have thought it, Relena and Dorothy? The girls continued arguing as though there was no one else in the area.

"Dorothy!" Relena exclaimed, blushing more deeply.

"What, Miss Relena?" the girl asked politely, batting her lashes. "Aren't you going to tell Santa exactly what you want? I'll bet you don't."

"Fine," Relena said, turning to face Santa. "Santa Claus, I want to have a threesome with Dorothy and a boy named Heero Yuy." She then turned back, stuck out her tongue, and glared at Dorothy, "Happy now?"

"Oh, Miss Relena, I love it when you get feisty."

Trowa, who had been making sure his face was hidden by the camera the whole time, decided to snap the picture before Heero took off running, or worse (maybe) shot the two girls. The Japanese Santa's eyes had widened, and he was sitting ramrod straight, hand wandering towards his hidden gun.

Thankfully, the two girls weren't paying much attention to anything else except each other as they paid for their picture. They didn't even look twice at Trowa as he handed them their photo. As they turned to leave, Duo handed them each candy canes.

"Hey, you're cute," Dorothy said, winking at him.

"Dorothy, don't hit on other girls!" Relena protested, grabbing Dorothy's arm and tried to drag her away. Turning, Dorothy smacked Duo on the ass before linking arms with Relena.

"Was anyone else greatly disturbed by that?" Duo asked when the two were gone. He turned to Heero, then started rubbing his abused backside. "That girl is strong. Hell, it's bad enough seeing Relena and Dorothy, uh, I had no idea they were together. Poor Dorothy. Hey, Wu-elf, Quatre, you guys can come out of hiding now!"

Heero just sat there, looking like he wanted to crawl under the seat. He looked up at Duo, "Duo, remind me to try and kill Relena again later, even if she is the key to world peace."

"Okay!" Duo said happily.

~ ~ ~ ~

Before Heero had sufficiently recovered, the next people to walk up were a mother holding a tiny baby that gurgled and cooed happily, waving its chubby little arms around.

"Hello," the mother said to Quatre and Wufei, who were staring at the baby.

Wufei's expression was priceless when the baby smiled up at him and waved its arms in his direction.

"Oh, looks like Teresa likes you!" The woman said, letting the child squirm towards the Chinese elf. "Do you want to hold her?"

Wufei nodded and gently held the baby protectively to his chest. "Your little girl is very friendly," he said softly, slowly leading the way towards Santa Heero.

"She sure is, isn't she?" The mother replied, following Quatre and Wufei as they made their way up to Heero's chair.

The Chinese boy reluctantly handed the babe to Heero, who held her like she was made of glass. Duo crouched down to have a better look and gasped when she grabbed onto one of his long locks of hair. He gently pried the strand from the baby's tiny fist, only to have his index finger latched onto. Heero laughed lightly at this, and cuddled the baby closer. Quatre, Wufei, and the mother had already backed away, so Trowa took the picture at this moment.

It was best picture he had taken all day.[4]

~ ~ ~ ~

Later, after a few normal kids, one who was afraid of beards, and a set of twins, came a little boy with thick glasses, freckles, and curly red hair. Heero knew he was in trouble the moment the kid sat down and snapped his beard, disturbing a little cloud of baby powder from his hair. He sneezed and looked down at the kid, determined not to throw him across the room.

"You're not the real Santa, are you?" the boy asked, looking up Heero with big brown eyes. "I just snapped your beard, that means it's fake. That means you're a fake."

"Dennis, behave!" His mother scolded him from a few feet away.

Heero, not having yet encountered an unbeliever, was at a loss for words. Fortunately, Duo stepped in and tried to help. "Do you want me to explain it to him?"

"Duo-uh, Mrs. Claus?" Heero looked up at his partner and sneezed.

"You're not Mrs. Claus, either," Dennis said, crossing his freckled arms. "Billy Wells at school told me about fakes like you. Besides, Mrs. Claus is supposed to be old, so why are you young?"

Before his mother could step in again, Duo winked at her. "Well, you're very intelligent. Actually, he's not the real Santa, he's Santa's grandson. He's Santa Claus the Third. See, he's still in training, that's why he doesn't have a real beard yet. And I'm his wife, so I am in fact Mrs. Claus. Just not the original." Duo crossed his arms and grinned down at the boy.

"Oh. Okay," Dennis said after thinking about it for a minute. His mother sighed in relief.

Crisis averted. Faith in Santa restored.

~ ~ ~ ~

The rest of the night went smoothly. Ten minutes before they got to leave, the boys were relaxing as much as they could without getting out of costume. Duo was sitting on the floor, eating a candy cane and glancing furtively up at Heero every now and then. Heero was slumped in his throne, having finally stopped sneezing again. He was content to watch Duo suck and lick the candy cane. Wonder what he was thinking.

Wufei was perched up on a railing, leaning back and staring out the skylight in the ceiling. Trowa and Quatre were sitting back to back, leaning on each other, talking quietly over their shoulders. The boys were tired. Acting and being in costume was more tiring than they thought it would be. Surely, with ten minutes left, no one else would come up. Right.

"Well no one will see us if you get your picture taken now," a cultured voice came from the end of the ramp. Wufei fell backwards off the railing in shock. It was Treize. The others jumped up from their spots and tried to act nonchalant. Why were two of their most notorious adversaries here? Had OZ figured them out, or was it just a coincidence?

"It's not that I'm embarrassed, Treize, I just don't want to be conspicuous," Zechs Merquise responded as the pair stepped up. They were dressed smartly in slacks and button down shirts, and Zechs was not wearing his silver helmet. He noticed that Wufei had landed in a crumpled heap after falling from the rail. "Oh, look, I do believe that one of the elves has fallen. Are you okay?"

As the two men helped him up, Wufei avoided looking up at them. Treize said in a casual tone, "Oh, it's you, 05. How are you? Nice outfit."

Wufei's eyes widened and he stepped back. "What?"

"Come now, it's okay to have a Christmas job to earn some money. Don't worry, we're off duty. We won't tell anyone," Treize assured him, winking.

"Oh, look, 04's here too. Hello," Zechs said, smiling over at Quatre.

"Um, hello. Right this way," Quatre managed to say, gesturing towards Heero.

"This'll look great in Christmas cards, Treize, you have to admit," Zechs said as he sat down on Heero's knee.

"Fine, fine," Treize mused, taking a seat on the other knee. He turned and looked closely at Heero, "Oh, hello 01. Nice to see you."

"Hn."

Trowa snapped the picture. After the Oz men took their pictures and greeted him as 03, they took their candy canes from Duo.

"You look good in drag, 02," Zechs said as they turned to leave. He paused for a second, then smacked Duo on the ass. Duo, by now, had gotten used to such ass-slapping treatment and just jumped a little.

"Have a Merry Christmas, pilots," Treize called over his shoulder as he pulled Zechs away.

The boys just exchanged a look and face-faulted.

~ ~ ~ ~

It turned out the Zechs and Treize were their last customers, and soon the boys were back at their safe house. Deadbeat, they trudged into the living room and collapsed. Wufei immediately took off his shoes and started tugging at his panty hose.

"Wu-wu, please do that somewhere else," Duo said wearily.

"Fine, Mrs. Claus," Wufei snapped and left the room, heading for his bedroom.

Quatre snuggled up to Trowa. The blond reached up and removed the Santa hat from the taller boy's head, releasing his bang back to its normal position, obscuring one eye. Quatre giggled at this, then gasped when Trowa stood up, causing him to fall a bit onto the couch. Wordlessly, Trowa held out his hand to the boy. Quatre took it and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. They left the room, Quatre almost skipping ahead of Trowa in his elf costume.

Duo turned to look at Heero. The Japanese boy hadn't said a word since they had got back. The American had never seen him so animated as he had when Heero had really gotten into his role as Father Christmas. It must have been difficult for the stoic pilot. Even if they really hadn't got any good information, this mission was good for something. Heero seemed to have enjoyed this mission, at least in parts. Watching Heero hold that baby was heartwarming.

Noticing his partner's scrutiny, Heero asked, "What are you looking at, baka?"

"You."

"Why?"

"Whether you admit it or not, I think you had a good time today."

The Japanese pilot blinked and looked down at the fake beard clutched in his hand. He bit his lip thoughtfully then looked up again, "I did. At least when I wasn't getting puked on or squished. Or encountering people we knew."

Duo grinned and kicked his shoes off. He snuggled up closer to Heero and whispered in his ear, "You need help getting all that padding off?"

Heero turned his head to look at Duo. In response he wrapped his arms around the boy and stood up with him cradled in his arms. He grinned wolfishly down at Duo and then threw the boy over his shoulder and proceeded to carry him upstairs to their room. Duo relaxed and enjoyed the ride, since Heero was lightly stroking his legs through the panty hose. Looks like Heero was feeling playful. Duo wasn't going to get much sleep tonight...

~ ~ ~ ~

A short while later, Wufei was curled up in his bed, covering his ears and trying to sleep. This was difficult, considering the loud moans and creaks coming from the room across the hall and the room next door.

"Oh, gag me with a shovel!" The Chinese boy muttered. "Don't they have any sense of decency? Don't they have any respect for their fellow pilot's need for sleep?"

His laptop beeped, signaling an incoming message. "Just great. A mission," he mumbled, stumbling out of bed and over to the computer. He opened his mailbox to see that the email was from a RoseLight@ozzies.com.